My October Goals! My Flaws & What Could Be Improved

The months just keep flying by don't they? Blimey. 

Well I think I am getting on just fine since the horrible happenings during summer and I going down a route where I can safely say 'I am getting there' thankfully enough. 

I have some good news! I can finally announce that I am going to Tokyo at the end of May 2018 and I am absolutely over the moon. I'm so incredibly happy, I have been wanting to go to Japan since I was eleven years old ever since my pre-teen otaku little self got into manga and starting learning more about the country. I'm super delighted! 

Also I will be able to meet friends from Japan I have had for the past six years or so! Pen pals and Skype friends who can finally meet me, we can grab a drink and perhaps hang out. It'll be an excellent experience. 

My aunt said it may be the making of me as I am going alone and the reason why I am going alone is because not all of my friends can afford it. Tokyo isn't a cheap place, it's actually slightly cheaper than London and Paris but it is still pricey. So look out for the spam of posts and all the recommendations I will be posting! 

Trust me. There is going to be a lot of pictures! Perhaps even a short vlog...

It's time to get stuck in!

When I say this I am talking about actually motivating myself to start my university projects, which I am finding incredibly difficult at the moment. I just cannot seem to concentrate on what I have to do! The most I have done is open up Adobe Indesign, create a series of pages to begin my journal and write the title of my essay. I'm in third year now and it's so much harder to make the grade apparently, I'm bricking it and stressing before the stress period has begun. 

Plus it doesn't help our deadline is super, super early too. We finish for Christmas far earlier though which is good but at the moment it's dire to get everything done to the best of our abilities. I don't know how I'm going to do this... I spend more time at home than I do university anyway which is no excuse really. I always feel really lethargic, sleepy or just need to do something else before starting my projects. Hopefully it can change.

Am I making an effort?

One thing which has been irritating me lately is my blog posts and I always think they don't contain the best pictures. I know, I know my last phone wasn't exactly the best and so therefore the camera quality was pants. Now I have upgraded to the iPhone 8! The camera is amazing, I love it so much and it's improved my Instagram feed drastically. You can really see the difference in an instant!

So I think what I must start doing is take my time with each post, make sure the photos are the best of the best before I hit that publish button.

But I love a good pig out! 

What even is a diet anymore? I can't even recall when my diet didn't include a hot chocolate on a daily basis, a pasta pot here and there or the odd block of chocolate at night. I'm terrible! I always have been to be honest. 

However I have noticed myself getting a lot more out of breath just climbing stairs up to New Look or even the train station. I'm knackered! I really need to get back at the gym and improve my fitness because it's bloody terrible right now. 

More than anything I need to get into a routine in order to balance university, work and going back to the gym together. I just end up craving... especially when I get stressed with the workload. 

Health and myself come first... right?

I know the whole mental health and self care thing is practically a trend right now, I do like how it is being highlighted a lot nowadays and taken into account so much more than it did when I was still at school that's for sure. But as I mentioned in my previous post featuring how I am dealing with slight depression and the current grief I am still going through, I am finding it difficult as well as trying to keep it together and continue with life. 

I'm kind of glad this is my last year of university because at the moment what I am earning isn't too great, I'd love to be on better money in a job I like and in a better place where I could meet new people too. Just being happy and moving on but with university although it's alright it isn't that great. 

It just feels really bland, antisocial and quiet most of the time. Plus I'm sick of the commuting to another town too because it's such a ball ache and when I do get to class I feel like I get more done at home as opposed to sat there listening to my tutor waffle on.

 I'm just getting restless really and craving the moment I get to leave so I can move on I suppose. I had high hopes for university while everyone gets super excited I found myself to be placed in a class where it feels isolated, boring and draining. But I guess I only have around eight months left until I leave. I'm going to start concentrating on me more and loving myself though, focus on my future and what has to be done. 

Do you have any particular goals right now that need doing this month? Let me know! 


Go Grab A Cuppa! This Is How I Am Dealing With Depression & Grief

Yeah so, this is going to be quite a deep and very long post... Recently the past few weeks have not exactly been the best and I will have to say that they've been the most difficult ones I have ever had to endure.

I do not think I have ever felt this alone before in my entire life really, I lost my dear grandfather around two months ago now and it still feels like yesterday getting those banging knocks on my bedroom door with mixed emotions in my grandmother's voice telling me the news.

All I can remember at that moment is feeling nothing, absolutely nothing whatsoever. Well if you can take numbness being a feeling which I don't think really is because it is as if time is still in your body and you can't really breathe or when you try it kills. 

Thats kind of how it feels. With all the tears shed,  sleepless nights with the odd couple of panic attacks thrown in and all the pretty flower bouquets from those close we know - it just doesn't feel real.

You hear about it on the news, from a friend of a friend hearing how someone in their family has died or someone online. But when it happens to you it is a whole different story. The thing is, it can happen to anyone at anytime. The reality is that death can't be avoided. 

"Knowing someone isn't coming back
doesn't mean you ever stop waiting.”

I still can't let the fact that a man who raised me, who I saw every single day of my life and treasured had to leave us, be taken from us so suddenly without even as much as a 'goodbye' or 'I love you, see you soon love'.

I know for some people when you tell them a grandparent has passed away they simply think "Ah well they were old anyway..." or they don't understand the bond and probably only ever see their grandparents every couple of months despite them living around the corner in the next block of flats.

This was a lot different for me and my family though because of how much of a strong character he was.

It's taken me a fair while to get the guts to write this as the whole incident is pretty fresh still but I can manage to get through this without just bawling.

They say the grieving process requires five stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and accepting the fact that your close one has simply been granted their time. The whole of this process is a structure to help us understand and frame what we may be feeling. But I have learnt that there is literally no right or wrong way when it comes to grieving.

You cry when you take a shower when you notice their old toothbrush lingering in the holder, you well up with tears walking the dog because you know the dog was always taken out by them and even your own pet is wondering what is happening.

Then you could be shopping at the supermarket when you remember what their favourite food was or may have just passed something they loved to eat.

Then the anger kicks in and you curse whoever it is above, you get angry just by looking at others happy on Instagram and think "Why do I have to feel like this? Why do they get to be so happy?!"

It's ridiculous but I have felt like this, even though that person who I am viewing could be going through a rubbish time themselves. 

We all know Instagram is a portal of the lives people only want others to see and never the true real deal. So with that knowledge I just brush my bitterness off the best I can.

"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one else can steal."

I think depression has come back to consume as of late too, it isn't only due to losing my grandfather either but just lack of confidence in myself as a whole. I have felt this way since I was around fifteen back when I was in high school. It was my lowest point - I would think about the worst ways possible I could hurt myself in and just dark thoughts consuming me. 

Anyone who knew me from high school would know I was very quiet, I still am but I am a lot more talkative now and open compared to my awkward teenage self. The reason why I didn't speak too much was because I was very overweight back then and I always worried incase I was made fun for my weight as I had over the years anyway. 

I lost the weight and not in the best way but I did loose it, I thought it would make my life a whole lot better and did it? Not really. I don't feel any better as a person or happier. My body isn't perfect either as the tops of my thighs still rub slightly, my arms aren't really toned and there is loose skin on my tummy but hey ho - there is bigger problems in the world. 

I think I have become too comfortable with disliking myself that it's now normal and I can never see myself in a positive life. I still do sadly, I am trying though. Some days I will wake up cheery, all smiles and throw on a short mini skirt with the brightest red lipstick on to make myself feel better for the day. 

Then the next I won't wear make up, instead I'll hide away in leggings and an old baggy t-shirt then not leave the house all day apart for work early in the morning where I can't be seen by the general public legging it up the high street. 

  "A friendship that can cease has never been real." 

I have also learnt this year that friendships don't always last. They don't and even the people you have known for years since you were in primary school can suddenly vanish out of your life. Not everyone is trustworthy either however you live and learn. Good friends will come eventually and when they do, you'll know.  

"Time heals what reason cannot."

So what is exactly the cure to all of this you are probably wondering? Nothing. 

The only cure is to keep going day by day and continue interacting with people because I have found previously that by completely introverting myself doesn't help at all. 

It never does and the best way is to wear your heart on your sleeve, open up and speak about how you feel. 

I have been doing this more and it has slightly helped me. I haven't gotten to the point where I may need professional help but for now I am stable. There is no shame in seeking therapy at all but I just don't think I need it. I'm still an emotional wreck but I am healing and finding solace within my own heart by moving on.  

But despite people saying that time is the best healer I think keeping busy or even just sat around your room listening to your favourite song can help a lot. Even if it is just any song, music helps a lot or so I have found. 

Also going for a walk can cleanse your mind whether it is by yourself walking the dog or with someone else listening to what they have to say. The small things such as cleaning out the bathroom or spending some time at the gym helps. 

Even now after two whole months I am still finding ways to deal with my emotions, some days I will be completely fine and think about him but then other days I will tear up or get annoyed easily over anything. 

At the beginning I wasn't sure at all how to even go about what I felt because I have never felt such pain before in my entire life but now I have and I wonder to myself if it is easier this because incase I ever loose someone else again. 

Well I will, we all will at the end of the day whether we like it or not. I suppose you just learn how to deal with the loss better each time but the sickening reality of their passing never goes away. 

Even though everything is still very fresh, I have opened my else to the fact that I will never see him again, that's it and I will have to deal with it. I think one day within ten or twenty years time from now I will probably walking my children to school, washing plates in the sink or driving to work and I will think of loved ones I have lost. I will be okay, I will learn to smile again at their memory and that will be enough. 

At the moment I can't imagine really doing so because how do you ever over something like that? The truth is you don't. 

I know that everyone I know who has died up to this point in my life would want me to continue living my life. It's difficult. I know deep down that it will get better though. 

I hope that anyone who is reading this maybe finds some kind of release whether they're going through a tough time themselves or has also lost someone very dear to them too. Fight on! 


Whats On My Homeware Wishlist? Have A Peek!

Welcome to this months homeware wish list, these are just a few things I have eyed and bookmarked for later when I am in the ‘treat ya self babes kinda mood’ you know that one, when something ends up popping into your shopping cart and before you know it you’ve somehow tossed all your details and checked out (my bank balance hates me). Right so, well well well, what have we here...

Marble Quartz Coasters: Neue Blvd

Aren't these pretty?! Gosh, I don't think I would ever even use these if I had my own place or even owned the for that matter. They are just too lovely to have any coffee spills on them. 
Pink Lamp: Oliver Bonas

How gorgeous is this?! It is a bit similar to my copper hanging lamp I have on my desk (for those who have seen my desk tour post you will know which one!) but this one is in pink, I'm screaming and it's at a good price too £36! It's just a shame I already have one... but here is to dreaming!

Golden Tray: H&M 

This piece would be lovely for my vanity or even in the bathroom actually for all my nightly creams, sprays and toners. I really just love copper and gold homeware items, they're so dreamy. 

Golden Hanging Mirror: H&M

I have seen this mirror popping up each time I go on the H&M homeware section, it always catches my eye again and again but I realise that I just may need it. Even if it's just for decoration!

Fluffy Pink Chair: MaisonsDuMonde

A little while ago my good chair which was this fancy studio white one practically fell apart on me and that was that really. I came across this chair on my online shopping spree venturing and I fell in love instantly. How cute is it?! I would love to buy it but the price is a bit steep... 

Copper Cutlery: Neue Blvd

These are so pretty! I would love to have my own place and invest in these though, every time I would have people over for dinner I imagine showing off with these! 

Faces iPhone 6S Case: Oliver Bonas

I recently purchased the new iPhone 8 though but luckily enough if the case is flexible you can pop it over an iPhone 8 I have found. I think this one is really pretty and unique though, I love this faces collection Oliver Bonas has released lately it's really artsy. 

Fluffy Pillow: Matalan

I am in need of a new pillow for my chair while I am sat at my desk on my mac, I have terrible back pain I suffer from and my current pillow is all ragged now. This one would be perfect! Also isn't the pale pink beautiful? It would fit in like a dream!

Inspire Gold Desk Decor: Zoella Homeware

I have actually already purchased this item but it is such a beautiful piece for anywhere around the house, whether it is your bedroom or living room it's gorgeous and such an eye-catching piece. It always cheers me up too! Bit funny how decor can cheer you up right? 

White Standing Mirror: Ikea

I really love standing mirrors and these ones especially! The one I have at the moment is pinned on my bedroom door, it's not very big either which is annoying. I can't move it around either compared to this one where I would be able to. I just find this mirror to be very fresh looking, it's simple and enough.

Spotted Mug: H&M

Now it is either this one or the pink version... I can't decide! Both the black and white plus the pink are so cute! They have matching bowls too, H&M is so tempting lately within their homeware range as they have such pretty things. 

Pink Clock: Amara 

I really do need a proper clock though, I keep putting myself off from buying one for god knows what reason and use my phone instead. I really love this pink clock, it's small and would mesh well with my room I know for sure. Whether I buy it or not is another thing. I just might...

Have you had your eye on anything in particular lately, for your home or even just your bedroom too? 


Beauty Bits You Need To Invest In This Autumn!

Now I don't know about you, but I for one certainly am a massive fan of Autumn! I just love it. I love everything about it! I can tell you now, I'm no summer fan. If you are like me who dreads the boiling hot sun, sweat-filled days and annoying insects then you also probably couldn't wait for it all to cool down.

Now we are back to the chilly mornings, piping hot cups of pumpkin spice lattes and cute snuggly scarves! I sound so old before my time, I really do but that is what I love about it all so much. 

I mean it is the perfect season really, not too hot or cold. It's like Spring but the complete opposite and with both seasons the amazing fashion trends begin! Where there is fashion - there is makeup. 

I have been quite fussy as of late with my beauty buys though because, despite some products going viral on Instagram with everyone raving over the latest Too Faced "I Want Kandee" eye shadow palette or Jeffree Star lipstick, I'm just not that interested, to be honest. 

I have actually become stricter with what I am buying now make up wise simply because I have bought products for the sake of it and barely used them. However here I have been lusting after these for a while and over the past couple of weeks got them one by one.

NYX Ultimate Multi-finish  Palette "Warm Rust"

I know this palette has been out now for probably a year but I still think it is super pretty and who cares if it isn't the latest product on the market? I think this palette in "Warm Rust" is incredibly fitting for Autumn with all its pretty nudes, browns and dusky pinks. I have been using it for the past few days and I am impressed by the quality.

This is the first eyeshadow palette I have purchased from the NYX collection despite the odd singular eyeshadow, so I am pleased how they literally last the entire day, the eyeshadows are very versatile where they are easy to blend, the pigment is alright but not amazing.

I will add that there is not too much shimmer which is what I like because recently I have gone off a lot of shimmery eyeshadows. I just feel that they are too vibrant for the every day sometimes. 

There are a fair decent amount of matte shadows here, I've been loving those much more and I have been using a small lick of shimmer over them which is enough. 

There have been some mixed reviews from what I have read about this palette though but I suppose it's up to the individual's own experience using this product. For me, it has been positive because for £16 this palette is basically giving me what I wanted and you get what you pay for at the end of the day. 

Nars Powermatte Lip Pigment "Slow Ride"

Oh how I love this product!

Now I ended up actually buying only two of these liquid lipsticks from Nars, this one in this gorgeous burgundy brown and Walk This Way which is quite a dark pink which it looks amazing on. Slow Ride is hands down my favourite out of the whole collection simply because it is not only perfect for this season but this shade goes with everything. 

It has gone with every single one of my outfits, I have received a lot of compliments on it too and I feel really confident in this colour. Usually, I opt for just a dark red or pink but I have started switching over to browns nowadays, this one is by far the best I own.  

The quality of the Nars Powermatte Lip Pigments is absolutely fantastic. Now usually I buy a matte lipstick and it crumbles on my lips throughout the day or never even makes it to the end of the day. However, this product has lasted me hours - a good six hours at the most before renewing it. The formula is very light, the coverage keeps its word and completely covers any bare inch of your lips. 

Gucci Bloom Fragrance 30ml 

This new fragrance is out of the world! It's my current favourite and the packaging is ever so beautiful, wouldn't you agree? It was released in August but I first saw this one over on Instagram as one of my favourite models in Japan was sporting it on my feed. 

When I saw it the day after over in Boots, I had one whiff and then I immediately made the reckless decision to purchase it. Any regrets? Nope. I'm glad I did! It's a very sexy, alluring and heavy floral scent. It would be ideal for any date or night out with your girl mates too! 

I would say this scent is slightly musky with a hint of citrus, heavy accents of orris root and Chinese honeysuckle too. There is the usage of white flowers being sambac Jasmine and tuberose there too which are very dominant. I suppose that is what makes it such a devilishly delicious scent. Definitely, have a try if you end up passing this in stores! 

Mac Matte Lipstick "Paramount"

Another Autumn lippy favourite would have to be this lipstick in the shade "Paramount" by MAC. It With it being a beautiful warm brown with a satin finish, I find it is quite a long-lasting lipstick and lasts usually around a good two or three hours before reapplication on your lips.

However I do find it a bit too dry sometimes and quite a stodgy formula, it is fairly decent for the price of £15 as the quality is good. It keeps your lips incredibly slick with its high-fashion texture, I would say it is a good value for money at the end of the day. 

I always love to pop this lipstick on with a black turtle neck top and a pair of my brown ankle boots. Paramount is an amazing shade for empowering yourself for Autumn! It's such a lovely shade and I wouldn't miss this one if I were you! 

I hope you found this small collection of my Autumn beauty favourites a tad interesting! What are you loving so far? Have you got that one favourite product you love to use during this season too?