Go Grab A Cuppa! This Is How I Am Dealing With Depression & Grief

1 October 2017

Yeah so, this is going to be quite a deep and very long post... Recently the past few weeks have not exactly been the best and I will have to say that they've been the most difficult ones I have ever had to endure.

I do not think I have ever felt this alone before in my entire life really, I lost my dear grandfather around two months ago now and it still feels like yesterday getting those banging knocks on my bedroom door with mixed emotions in my grandmother's voice telling me the news.

All I can remember at that moment is feeling nothing, absolutely nothing whatsoever. Well if you can take numbness being a feeling which I don't think really is because it is as if time is still in your body and you can't really breathe or when you try it kills. 

Thats kind of how it feels. With all the tears shed,  sleepless nights with the odd couple of panic attacks thrown in and all the pretty flower bouquets from those close we know - it just doesn't feel real.

You hear about it on the news, from a friend of a friend hearing how someone in their family has died or someone online. But when it happens to you it is a whole different story. The thing is, it can happen to anyone at anytime. The reality is that death can't be avoided. 

"Knowing someone isn't coming back
doesn't mean you ever stop waiting.”

I still can't let the fact that a man who raised me, who I saw every single day of my life and treasured had to leave us, be taken from us so suddenly without even as much as a 'goodbye' or 'I love you, see you soon love'.

I know for some people when you tell them a grandparent has passed away they simply think "Ah well they were old anyway..." or they don't understand the bond and probably only ever see their grandparents every couple of months despite them living around the corner in the next block of flats.

This was a lot different for me and my family though because of how much of a strong character he was.

It's taken me a fair while to get the guts to write this as the whole incident is pretty fresh still but I can manage to get through this without just bawling.

They say the grieving process requires five stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and accepting the fact that your close one has simply been granted their time. The whole of this process is a structure to help us understand and frame what we may be feeling. But I have learnt that there is literally no right or wrong way when it comes to grieving.

You cry when you take a shower when you notice their old toothbrush lingering in the holder, you well up with tears walking the dog because you know the dog was always taken out by them and even your own pet is wondering what is happening.

Then you could be shopping at the supermarket when you remember what their favourite food was or may have just passed something they loved to eat.

Then the anger kicks in and you curse whoever it is above, you get angry just by looking at others happy on Instagram and think "Why do I have to feel like this? Why do they get to be so happy?!"

It's ridiculous but I have felt like this, even though that person who I am viewing could be going through a rubbish time themselves. 

We all know Instagram is a portal of the lives people only want others to see and never the true real deal. So with that knowledge I just brush my bitterness off the best I can.

"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one else can steal."

I think depression has come back to consume as of late too, it isn't only due to losing my grandfather either but just lack of confidence in myself as a whole. I have felt this way since I was around fifteen back when I was in high school. It was my lowest point - I would think about the worst ways possible I could hurt myself in and just dark thoughts consuming me. 

Anyone who knew me from high school would know I was very quiet, I still am but I am a lot more talkative now and open compared to my awkward teenage self. The reason why I didn't speak too much was because I was very overweight back then and I always worried incase I was made fun for my weight as I had over the years anyway. 

I lost the weight and not in the best way but I did loose it, I thought it would make my life a whole lot better and did it? Not really. I don't feel any better as a person or happier. My body isn't perfect either as the tops of my thighs still rub slightly, my arms aren't really toned and there is loose skin on my tummy but hey ho - there is bigger problems in the world. 

I think I have become too comfortable with disliking myself that it's now normal and I can never see myself in a positive life. I still do sadly, I am trying though. Some days I will wake up cheery, all smiles and throw on a short mini skirt with the brightest red lipstick on to make myself feel better for the day. 

Then the next I won't wear make up, instead I'll hide away in leggings and an old baggy t-shirt then not leave the house all day apart for work early in the morning where I can't be seen by the general public legging it up the high street. 

  "A friendship that can cease has never been real." 

I have also learnt this year that friendships don't always last. They don't and even the people you have known for years since you were in primary school can suddenly vanish out of your life. Not everyone is trustworthy either however you live and learn. Good friends will come eventually and when they do, you'll know.  

"Time heals what reason cannot."

So what is exactly the cure to all of this you are probably wondering? Nothing. 

The only cure is to keep going day by day and continue interacting with people because I have found previously that by completely introverting myself doesn't help at all. 

It never does and the best way is to wear your heart on your sleeve, open up and speak about how you feel. 

I have been doing this more and it has slightly helped me. I haven't gotten to the point where I may need professional help but for now I am stable. There is no shame in seeking therapy at all but I just don't think I need it. I'm still an emotional wreck but I am healing and finding solace within my own heart by moving on.  

But despite people saying that time is the best healer I think keeping busy or even just sat around your room listening to your favourite song can help a lot. Even if it is just any song, music helps a lot or so I have found. 

Also going for a walk can cleanse your mind whether it is by yourself walking the dog or with someone else listening to what they have to say. The small things such as cleaning out the bathroom or spending some time at the gym helps. 

Even now after two whole months I am still finding ways to deal with my emotions, some days I will be completely fine and think about him but then other days I will tear up or get annoyed easily over anything. 

At the beginning I wasn't sure at all how to even go about what I felt because I have never felt such pain before in my entire life but now I have and I wonder to myself if it is easier this because incase I ever loose someone else again. 

Well I will, we all will at the end of the day whether we like it or not. I suppose you just learn how to deal with the loss better each time but the sickening reality of their passing never goes away. 

Even though everything is still very fresh, I have opened my else to the fact that I will never see him again, that's it and I will have to deal with it. I think one day within ten or twenty years time from now I will probably walking my children to school, washing plates in the sink or driving to work and I will think of loved ones I have lost. I will be okay, I will learn to smile again at their memory and that will be enough. 

At the moment I can't imagine really doing so because how do you ever over something like that? The truth is you don't. 

I know that everyone I know who has died up to this point in my life would want me to continue living my life. It's difficult. I know deep down that it will get better though. 

I hope that anyone who is reading this maybe finds some kind of release whether they're going through a tough time themselves or has also lost someone very dear to them too. Fight on! 


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